The first thing I want to say is thank you for your brave story; reading it both made my heart break and made me very angry. I hope that what I am about to say to you is helpful both mentally and physically.
The second thing I want to say is: THE ONLY THING THAT CAUSES RAPE ARE RAPISTS. Alcohol does not cause rape. Drugs do not cause rape. Sexy clothes do not cause rape. Money does not cause rape. Saying yes before does not cause rape. Rapists cause rape. So, to anybody reading this, the only person to blame for your rape or assault is the person who raped or assaulted you.
Based on what you wrote, it sounds like you would like some advice on preventing sexual assault. There are two major ways to do this: one is to educate young women on how to avoid high-risk situations and the second is to change the culture of masculinity so that men do not internalize the idea that intimacy between two people is about power and control. We have to share this burden with men. It is not fair to put all of the work on the shoulders of the victims. If you can, have this conversation with men you know and trust, such as fathers, brothers, cousins, and male friends. Encourage them to join groups that help men to learn that being truly tough—truly a real man—means you are so confident and brave that you aren’t afraid of another guy making fun of you or calling you weak or a p*ssy. There is no weaker move than a man who is so insecure that he has to hurt someone else to make himself feel big. True men stand up to that kind of coward and stand up for women.
So, here are the basics for protecting yourself, especially for teenagers and young women: start with your relationships. Make sure that you really know people before you go into situation with them where you could panic and get caught up in the moment. Going to a party with a new guy who has turned on the charm before you really know how he behaves in various situations can be a gamble. Does this person make you feel proud of who you are? Do they respect not only your boundaries, but your mind, hopes, and dreams? Are they proud of you? Do they speak respectfully about other women when they aren’t around? Would you feel okay telling them something was bothering you? How do they act when someone tells them no? Are they disappointed or rejected? Pay close attention to anybody who reacts to these things with violence, insults, or anger. Or do they make dirty jokes about sex? Do they ask you to do things that make you nervous or embarrassed? Do they bully others or act differently around their friends? Or do they ignore you sometimes until you get upset, make comments about your appearance and your friends, and make you feel like everything is your fault? Are they known for drinking or smoking a lot? These are all things to think about when you are deciding who to spend Friday night with. The people you keep around you are a reflection of who you are on the inside. Your group should be building you up, so trust your gut. We’ve all been there, wanting to rebel and do something a little bit dangerous, but you need to have a safety net, a backup plan, and the confidence to be proud of your choices when you go to sleep at night.
Next, when you do decide to go to a party with people or a boyfriend/girlfriend you trust, make sure somebody knows where you are. If it’s a party with a group of people you just met, bring a friend. If they say you can’t bring a friend, that is a red flag. Share your location on your phone. If you are going to drink, drink out of cans or make your own. Don’t give anybody else the chance to touch your drink. Don’t drink out of mass-made drinks if you don’t personally know who made it. Make sure you have a way to get home. Honestly, no good comes of drinking so much you lose control of yourself. Drugs also generally aren’t worth the risk of taking them.
But let’s say the worst happens. What do you do? Who do you call? Many women say that they were so ashamed of “feeling so stupid”, scared of being in trouble for drinking when they shouldn’t have been, afraid of being thrown out of their friend group, of being called a slut, a whore, a troublemaker, or a liar, or that they can’t remember all of the details so they didn’t report. It’s okay. Remember: the only person who is at fault for rape is the rapist. You can choose whatever you need to do next to survive the shock you feel. If you are able to, I would encourage you to go to a hospital emergency room and have an exam done by a special type of nurse to collect evidence of your assault. I have to warn you that these exams are tough. The first thing they do is make sure you are safe and figure out if you need any emergency medical care. After that, they have to collect evidence in case you decide to use it later, and that evidence includes taking pictures of any bruises that you have, scraping under your nails, swabbing your throat and vagina for traces of semen, and combing your pubic hair for DNA. It can all seem like too much. But when you survive (which you will), you may decide you want to use that evidence, and then you will be glad you have it. These healthcare professionals will also test you for STDs and provide you with emergency contraception, as well as any other medications you need to prevent infection. They will provide you with resources that may seem overwhelming at first, but having information about counselors and support groups will be nice to have. It is also best to have a gynecologist or primary care doctor to go see in the next few weeks to check in and repeat tests, including a pregnancy test.
The last thing I want to say is that rapists come in all shapes, sizes, races, genders, sexual orientations, and economic classes. There are no stereotypes that hold. I hope this helps. Thank you for spreading the word and building confidence in men and women everywhere: together we can make our world a safer place.
-Dr. Fitzgerald