parent mental health | My Virtual Physician

Parenting is perhaps one of the most challenging yet rewarding journeys in life. From the moment a child is born, parents are entrusted with the responsibility of nurturing and guiding them into adulthood. However, amidst the countless parenting advice and societal expectations, many parents often find themselves overwhelmed and unsure of the best approach.

And with the countless parenting styles you may be seeing in other parents, it’s easy to become confused about which styles are actually best for your child’s well-being– especially when it comes to the child’s cognitive and behavioral well-being.

Here are five common mistakes parents tend to make when teaching good behavior to their children:

Using Punishment Instead of Discipline:

Many parents resort to punishment, such as yelling, shaming, spanking, or criticizing, as their go-to method for correcting misbehavior. However, punishment only trains your child to obey out of fear– which will have damaging effects on their long-term mental and behavioral health. If you are threatening to bring negativity to a child’s life if they fail to be on their best behavior, the child will only be motivated to put on good behavior to avoid negative consequences, and not because they personally care about good behavior.

Furthermore, if your children are obeying you just to avoid negative backlash from you, they will perceive you as barriers to their freedom rather than wise leaders in their lives. The moment they grow up and are no longer restricted by your rules, they may become rebellious or resentful with you.

This is why it’s important to use discipline, rather than punishment. While punishment instills fear-driven behavior, discipline instills authentically-driven behavior. Discipline involves cultivating an orderly but nurturing environment, providing explanations for rules. Rather than reacting to problematic behavior with threats or backlash, disciplining involves gently teaching the child why they shouldn’t engage in the misbehavior, using patience and encouragement toward alternative behaviors. The result is that children develop a personal motivation for good behavior. Instead of obeying and behaving to avoid negative consequences, they will develop an authentic willingness to adopt better behavior on their own, learning from their mistakes and setting their own goals to make better choices in the future.

2. Ignoring Positive Behavior and Overemphasizing Negatives:

It's natural for parents to address misbehavior promptly, but it's equally important to acknowledge and reinforce positive behavior. Unfortunately, many parents may inadvertently overlook or take for granted instances of good behavior while focusing disproportionately on negative behaviors.
This imbalance can lead children to become fearful about negative behavior, which can lead to resentfulness or rebellion as explained above.
However, overemphasis on negative behavior may also lead the child to seek attention through negative actions. To address this, parents should actively praise and reinforce positive behaviors as they occur, thereby encouraging their repetition and strengthening the child's self-esteem.

3. Reacting Emotionally Instead of Responding Calmly:

Parental emotions play a significant role in shaping children's behavior and emotional development. Parents who struggle with managing their own emotions may unintentionally model unhealthy coping mechanisms or overreact to minor incidents, contributing to a negative family dynamic. When a child misbehaves or fails to fulfill parental expectations, reacting impulsively or emotionally can escalate conflicts and hinder effective communication. Parents who struggle to regulate their own emotions will easily resort to punishment, which further hinders effective communication about good behavior.
Instead, parents should strive to respond to misbehavior calmly and thoughtfully, focusing on disciplining through problem-solving and teaching alternatives. Positive reinforcement of alternative behaviors will help a child regulate their emotions and choose to behave on their own.
For parents of older children or teens: if there are conflicts between a parent’s expectations and a child’s desires, do not give the child an “I am your parent, I know what’s best for you” response. Instead, allow the child to voice their perspectives and explain why they desire something that goes against your expectations. The goal is not to force the child into obedience– the goal is to allow the child to develop the cognitive abilities to make good choices on their own, in addition to the cognitive abilities to regulate their own emotions and desires.
Be open and honest with yourself about how well you can regulate your own emotions, so that you can be prepared to respond gently and wisely when helping your child regulate their own emotions and behavior.

4. Neglecting to Teach Empathy and Perspective-Taking:

Empathy is a crucial skill for navigating social interactions and forming meaningful relationships. Unfortunately, some parents may overlook the importance of teaching empathy and perspective-taking, focusing solely on obedience and compliance. And oftentimes, parents make this mistake because they, themselves, struggle with empathy and perspective-taking.
Be mindful of where you may stand when it comes to empathy and open-mindedness. Learn how to cultivate empathy with the people in your life, then teach your child to develop this important skill through modeling, discussions, and perspective-taking exercises. Parents should actively teach children to consider others' feelings and perspectives, fostering compassion, understanding, and respect for others.

5. Dismissing the Value of the Child’s Individuality:

One of the fundamental principles of healthy parenting is recognizing and celebrating the uniqueness of each child. Every child is born with their own set of talents, interests, and personality traits.
However, as mentioned earlier, there may be moments when your child may desire making a decision that may not align with your expectations. If there is a conflict between what you want from your child and what your child actually desires, do not dismiss the child’s desires and claim that they should listen to you just because you are the parent. As the parent, you are there to guide the child to make good decisions, not command the child to be blind followers of rules. Therefore, when a child wants to pursue something that you are not in favor of, allow the child to voice their perspectives and explain how they decided they wanted to make their decision. To reiterate and emphasize: the goal is not to force the child into obedience– the goal is to allow the child to develop the cognitive abilities to make good choices on their own.
By allowing the child to voice their opinions and guiding them to explain their thought process, they will be engaging in mindful reflection and healthy communication about their desires, enhancing their cognitive and behavioral development and growing in their capacity to make good decisions.
And as parents, it's crucial to foster an environment where children feel free to express themselves authentically without fear of judgment or criticism. Encourage their interests, whether they align with your own passions or not, and provide opportunities for them to explore and develop their talents.

Healthy parenting goes beyond providing for a child's physical needs; it encompasses nurturing their emotional, social, and intellectual development in a supportive and nurturing environment.

And teaching good behavior involves more than just enforcing rules and consequences; it requires positive reinforcement, effective discipline, practicing emotional regulation, and cultivating an environment that supports a child’s freedom to make good decisions on their own. By avoiding these common mistakes and adopting a proactive and compassionate approach to parenting, parents can foster a nurturing environment where children learn, grow, and thrive.

My Virtual Physician is now offering pediatric behavioral health services. If you are concerned about your child's mental health needs, please book appointment with our pediatric cognitive-behavioral coach, Dr. Dalson: BOOK HERE

Storytelling has long been recognized as a powerful tool for nurturing children's cognitive and behavioral development. And in the realm of children's literature, stories featuring talking animals hold a special place, captivating young minds with their whimsical tales and valuable life lessons. However, the benefits of these stories extend beyond mere entertainment; they can significantly impact the cognitive-behavioral well-being of both children and parents alike.

Let’s explore how reading stories about talking animals can be beneficial for the cognitive-behavioral well-being of both children and parents.

Benefits for Children:

Perspective-Taking: Through stories about talking animals, children are transported into imaginative worlds where animals possess human-like characteristics and emotions. Yet at the same time, the characters retain their animal identities, which means the characters will have experiences and lifestyles that differ from humans. By reading about such characters, children are prompted to adopt different perspectives, allowing them to empathize with the experiences and challenges faced by those who are different from them. By understanding the world through the eyes of talking animals, children develop empathy and a deeper appreciation for the diversity of perspectives.
Imagination: The fantastical world of talking animals stimulates children's imaginations, transporting them to magical realms where anything is possible. Talking animal stories often feature characters from various species with distinct traits, abilities, and backgrounds. As children engage with these stories, they learn to recognize and appreciate differences among individuals, fostering inspiration for how these differences can offer value for the world. Exposure to such fictional characters will prompt children to explore endless possibilities, fueling their creativity and expanding their imaginative capacities for how they can improve or support different areas in the world.
Moral Inspiration and Motivation: Many stories about talking animals convey important moral lessons and values through the adventures of their characters. By witnessing animals displaying qualities such as bravery, kindness, and resilience, children are inspired to emulate these virtues in their own lives, fostering moral development and motivation for positive behavior. And the motivation for positive behavior is stronger than when reading stories about humans displaying the same qualities– since it is expected that fictional humans will act humanely with such qualities, children are much more excited when fictional animals adopt the same qualities as well. Consequently, reading about animals in fiction will more strongly inspire children to think critically and develop a sense of responsibility and integrity in their own decision-making.

Benefits for Parents:

Perspective-Taking: While children engage in perspective-taking through the lens of talking animal characters, parents benefit from a different perspective shift. By immersing themselves in these stories alongside their children, parents gain insights into their children's thought processes and emotional experiences. This enhances their ability to empathize with their children's perspectives and strengthens the parent-child bond. Additionally, independently reading stories about animals can prompt adults to be more mindful about different perspectives and experiences other adults in their lives may have, such as colleagues, neighbors, or acquaintances. By becoming more mindful of other people’s perspectives, adults can be better prepared to help teach children how to understand and respect others’ differences.
Imagination: Reading stories about talking animals alongside their children allows parents to reconnect with their own sense of imagination and wonder. Through the shared experience of exploring fantastical worlds and characters, parents can rediscover the joy of storytelling and ignite their own creative sparks. And since adults obviously have more life experience than a child, they can learn how to weigh reality and imagination, guiding their children to use their imaginations to handle what is realistically probable in addition to what is creatively possible.
Moral Inspiration and Motivation: The moral themes embedded in stories about talking animals provide parents with valuable opportunities to engage in discussions about ethics and values with their children. As parents guide their children through these conversations, they are reminded of the importance of modeling positive behavior and instilling moral principles in their children. As adults, it is easy to mistakenly believe that because we are older, we already know what’s good for us and what moral decisions we should be making. It’s even easier to mistakenly believe that morality is subjective and that anyone who is old enough can decide what is right and wrong in their own eyes, and that we are in no need of further teaching on moral lessons. However, since no human is perfect, there will always be endless opportunities for each human to self-grow and become better versions of themselves. By reflecting on stories where non-human characters make moral decisions that humans are aware of, adults can stay mindful that even simple moral lessons hold great weight and should not be taken for granted. Such stories also prompt us to reflect more deeply on certain moral lessons, and just the state of imagining a cute or ferocious animal making good, moral decisions like a human can help us better appreciate the value that such moral lessons can have in our lives.

There are many cognitive-behavioral benefits for children and parents when it comes to reading and reflecting on animal stories. While children develop empathy and critical thinking skills, parents gain insights into their children's perspectives while enhancing their own understanding of diversity and ethical decision-making. Additionally, the shared experience of reading stories about talking animals strengthens the parent-child relationship and fosters a positive environment for mutual growth and learning. As families embark on these literary adventures, they not only cultivate empathy and understanding but also foster a sense of connection and shared values that transcend the pages of a storybook.

According to evidence-based personality psychology, there are 8 major cognitive styles our brains can use:

Extraverted Sensing (Se) = Specific perception of external world
- Healthy version: being present-focused, adventurous, and attuned to sensory experiences.
- Unhealthy version: sensory indulgence, hyperactivity, impulsivity, reckless behavior.
Introverted Sensing (Si) = Specific perception of internal world
- Healthy version: having attention to detail, strong memory recall, and a sense of tradition and nostalgia.
- Unhealthy version: becoming overly resistant to change or fixated on past experiences.
Extraverted Intuition (Ne) = Broad perception of external world
- Healthy version: spontaneity, diversity, innovation, and adaptability.
- Unhealthy version: scattered thinking, indecisiveness, disrespect for tradition, inability to adhere to routines
Introverted Intuition (Ni) = Broad perception of internal world
- Healthy version: insight, foresight, philosophizing, visionary imagination for meaningful, innovative ideas.
- Unhealthy version: detachment from reality, neglect of present responsibilities, extreme frustration with unexpected outcomes.
Extraverted Thinking (Te) = external logical order
- Healthy version: organization, efficiency, and effective decision-making.
- Unhealthy version: bossy, gives unsolicited advice, overworks oneself
Introverted Thinking (Ti) = internal logical order
- Healthy version: logical reasoning, problem-solving skills, and a penchant for critical analysis.
- Unhealthy version: overthinking everything, becoming overly detached or dismissive of emotions, overestimating personal intelligence
Extraverted Feeling (Fe) = external emotional order
- Healthy version: harmonizing, charismatic, great at emotionally interacting with others
- Unhealthy version: emotionally manipulative, desperate for social approval, overly dependent on relationships with others
Introverted Feeling (Fi) = internal emotional order
- Healthy version: authentic, self-expressive, passionate about their values
- Unhealthy version: overly sensitive, emotionally volatile or rigidly pessimistic, unrealistically idealistic

These 8 cognitive styles develop in early childhood. After adolescence, the brain matures and "personality type" becomes more well-defined.

Thus, after age 18, people can be understood based on 16 personality types, each of which have their own unique ways of using the above 8 cognitive styles:

Do not worry if this looks complicated! This is just meant to outline how there are 16 different cognitive frameworks our brains can take on. The important thing to note is that there are different ways people can use the 8 cognitive styles.

And an even more important part to note: it is NOT recommended to speculate which of these 16 types your child may have. Given that children's brains are developing, it is unclear if a certain behavior pattern or cognitive preference is based on their personality preferences or if it's just a phase they are going through as their brain matures.

Therefore, it is recommended to focus on helping your child develop each of the 8 cognitive modes in healthy ways, rather than understanding which of the following 16 types your child has. Until the child reaches age 18, it is not recommended to decipher their personality type.

Instead, focus on your own cognitive preferences and understand which of the 16 cognitive frameworks fit you best. This is helpful for developing a healthy parenting style that suits your own personality.

For more information on how these personality types and cognitive frameworks can relate to parenting styles, check out

16 Types of Parenting Styles - My Virtual Physician

For more information on evidence-based research on these personality types, check out Cognitive Personality Theory: Murrell, Harry: 9798421238645: Amazon.com: Books

Parenting is a complex journey that requires understanding and adapting to the unique needs and characteristics of each child. And since each parent and each child has a unique personality, it is crucial to understand what your personality implies about the most suitable parenting style for both you and your child.

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) outlines 16 types of personalities. Each personality type has its own set of traits, preferences, and tendencies, which can significantly influence parenting styles. The personality types are based on 4 dichotomies:

Extraversion (E) vs Introversion (I)
Sensing (S) vs Intuition (N)
Thinking (T) vs Feeling (F)
Judging (J) vs Perceiving (P)

Let's delve into how each of the 16 personalities might manifest in parenting:

ISTJ: Structured and reliable. ISTJ parents emphasize discipline, responsibility, and tradition in their parenting approach. They provide clear rules and expectations for their children and prioritize stability and security.
- Parenting Strengths: Provides structure and stability, sets clear expectations, and instills a sense of responsibility in their children.
- Parenting Weaknesses: May struggle with adapting to change, can be too rigid or controlling, and may have difficulty expressing emotions.

ISFJ: Nurturing, organized, and compassionate. ISFJ parents create a warm and supportive environment for their children, focusing on their emotional well-being. They are attentive listeners and excel at providing practical support and guidance.
- Parenting Strengths: Nurturing and supportive, creates a warm and loving environment, and is attentive to their children's needs.
- Parenting Weaknesses: May prioritize children’s happiness over discipline, may struggle with setting boundaries or saying no.

INFJ: Wise, nurturing, and perceptive. INFJ parents deeply understand their children's needs and feelings, often anticipating them before they are expressed. They prioritize harmony and encourage their children to be caring and mindful about the emotions of others.
- Parenting Strengths: Insightful and empathetic, fosters harmony and empathy
- Parenting Weaknesses: May become overwhelmed by their children's emotions, struggle with enforcing boundaries, and have unrealistic expectations.

INTJ: Visionary, imaginative, and strategic. INTJ parents prioritize authenticity and encourage their children to explore their passions and values. They also guide their children to develop meaningful goals from their passions while offering excellent insight on how to follow through with them.
- Parenting Strengths: Strategic and goal-oriented, encourages visionary imagination, and guides their children to be strategic with their passions and interests.
- Parenting Weaknesses: May lack patience with slow learners, may struggle with setting aside their own goals to attend to their children’s needs.

ISTP: Street-smart, hands-on, and practical. ISTP parents enjoy teaching their children through experiential learning and problem-solving activities. They encourage their children to explore and experiment, allowing them to learn through trial and error.
- Parenting Strengths: Hands-on and practical, teaches problem-solving skills, and encourages independence and self-reliance.
- Parenting Weaknesses: May struggle with expressing emotions, have difficulty with long-term planning, and be impatient with slower learners.

ISFP: Sensitive and artistic. ISFP parents encourage creativity and self-expression in their children, fostering a love for art, music, and nature. They provide a nurturing and nonjudgmental environment where their children feel free to explore their passions.
- Parenting Strengths: Sensitive and artistic, fosters creativity and self-expression, and creates a nonjudgmental environment.
- Parenting Weaknesses: May become too immersed in their own hobbies, may have trouble helping their children if they have different interests and passions

INFP: Idealistic and empathetic. INFP parents prioritize authenticity and personal growth, encouraging their children to follow their hearts and pursue their dreams. They are supportive and nurturing, providing a safe space for their children to express themselves.
- Parenting Strengths: Idealistic and empathetic, supports individuality and authenticity, and fosters deep emotional bonds.
- Parenting Weaknesses: May have difficulty with discipline, become overwhelmed by conflict, and struggle with indecisiveness for their children.

INTP: Analytical and curious. INTP parents foster intellectual development in their children, encouraging them to explore a wide range of interests and ideas. They value independent thinking and encourage their children to question conventional wisdom.
- Parenting Strengths: Analytical and curious, encourages intellectual exploration, and teaches problem-solving skills.
- Parenting Weaknesses: May be emotionally distant, struggle with routine tasks, and have difficulty with practical matters.

ESTP: Bold, energetic, and street-smart. ESTP parents enjoy engaging in physical activities and adventures with their children, encouraging them to embrace new experiences and challenges. They instill confidence and resilience in their children through hands-on learning.
- Parenting Strengths: Energetic and adventurous, provides excitement and fun, and teaches resilience and adaptability.
- Parenting Weaknesses: May struggle with consistency, have difficulty with long-term planning, and be insensitive to others' emotions.

ESFP: Energetic, adventurous, and fun-loving. ESFP parents are good at creating a lively and vibrant atmosphere at home, filled with laughter and excitement. They encourage their children to be sociable and stylish, fostering strong interpersonal skills and aesthetic awareness.
- Parenting Strengths: Spontaneous and sociable, creates a lively atmosphere
- Parenting Weaknesses: May demand that their family caters to their own needs first, struggle with all-or-none discipline in their children, and become self-inflated and in denial about their Parenting Weaknesses as a parent

ENFP: Spontaneous, enthusiastic, and imaginative. ENFP parents inspire creativity and curiosity in their children, encouraging them to explore their interests and pursue their passions. They value authenticity and encourage their children to express themselves freely.
- Parenting Strengths: Enthusiastic and imaginative, inspires creativity and exploration, and supports personal growth.
- Parenting Weaknesses: May struggle with follow-through, become overwhelmed by routine tasks, and have difficulty with structure.

ENTP: Witty, innovative, and resourceful. ENTP parents enjoy engaging their children in thought-provoking discussions and debates, stimulating their intellectual curiosity and problem-solving skills. They encourage their children to think outside the box and embrace new ideas.
- Parenting Strengths: Innovative and resourceful, encourages critical thinking and debate, and fosters intellectual curiosity.
- Parenting Weaknesses: May be argumentative, struggle with authority, and become easily bored with routine childcare.

ESTJ: Organized, leaderlike, and assertive. ESTJ parents establish clear rules and routines for their children, emphasizing discipline and responsibility. They value structure and order, instilling a strong work ethic and sense of duty in their children.
- Parenting Strengths: Organized and assertive, establishes clear rules and expectations, and teaches discipline and responsibility.
- Parenting Weaknesses: May be too controlling, struggle with flexibility, and may subconsciously prioritize conformity over individuality in their children.

ESFJ: Enthusiastic, caring, and sociable. ESFJ parents prioritize harmony and cooperation in their family life, nurturing strong bonds and relationships. They are attentive to their children's emotional needs and provide unwavering support and encouragement.
- Parenting Strengths: Caring and sociable, fosters strong bonds and relationships, and provides emotional support and encouragement.
- Parenting Weaknesses: May be overly involved in their children's lives, struggle with fostering independence in their children, may struggle with saying no

ENFJ: Wise, compassionate, and influential. ENFJ parents are good at motivating their children to practice empathy, kindness, and integrity. They are motivational mentors, great at emotionally bonding with their children.
- Parenting Strengths: Compassionate and inspiring, leads through motivation and influence, and fosters personal growth and development.
- Parenting Weaknesses: Over-committing to helping other people outside of family life, may become manipulative with their children, emotionally swaying them to do something that the child may not be in favor of doing

ENTJ: Leaderlike, decisive, and visionary. ENTJ parents encourage their children to be ambitious and provide the support and resources necessary to achieve their goals. They emphasize leadership and strategic thinking, preparing their children for success in a competitive world.
- Parenting Strengths: Decisive and visionary, sets ambitious goals and expectations, and teaches leadership and strategic thinking.
- Parenting Weaknesses: May be overly demanding, struggle with empathy, and prioritize achievement over emotional connection.

Understanding the unique characteristics of each personality type can provide valuable insights into parenting styles. By recognizing and embracing these differences, parents can cultivate a supportive and nurturing environment that meets the diverse needs of their children.

We all know that reading with your children is crucial for their cognitive (and behavioral) development. But the reading experience is just as valuable for the parent as it is for the child.

Reading child-friendly content not only helps kids' minds learn important life lessons and morals, but it also helps adult minds stay connected to those lessons and morals. No matter how old you are, basic lessons about honesty, kindness, and courage are still applicable.

And even more, reading child-friendly content with your children can boost your imagination and help you connect/reconnect with your creative side. A testimonial from a mother who had a transformative reading experience with her children:

"I used to love writing fiction as a child. Yet, I told my adult self that I was not a writer. It was a childhood dream of mine to illustrate a book and I believed someday I might do that - but write one? That was too far fetched.

After having two children, though, I began to constantly dream up different children’s story ideas after reading so many to them. One idea kept resurfacing and seemed to work particularly well with the dozens of animal paintings I had created over the last decade - to create an ABC book. I began to realize that my background in education, my love for art, and my ability to be creative with words (even if they often have typos), could all be merged together to write an alphabetical affirmation book.

I self-published my first book, “Animals, ABCs and Me” this past December and I feel happy that all these past titles, degrees, and hats that I have worn can finally be put to use in the form of this book. I hope that in sharing my story of pursuing my dreams after pivoting a bit, I can help others to realize that they can do the same." (Jessica Buhman, author of Animals, ABCs, and Me!)

And here is a testimonial from an author who co-wrote a book with her own grandchildren:

"The last 3 1/2 years, I faced my mortality, several times from multiple life-threatening infections. By God’s grace, I lived through it and I am healing well. Right after [my grandchildren and I] wrote the story, I had more rounds of Covid, one very severe, I also had five friends die within a month and a half. it was such a traumatic season and even with all my tools and support life got very painful and I started to lose hope.

Writing the story, and working with the illustrator, brought such joy and me to see beyond the circumstances I was experiencing. It gave me a spaciousness and creative outlet to experience joy in the middle of so much loss and uncertainty.

And then saw God’s power manifest in such a huge way as the book came out it had the best seller list in England, and in the United States for children’s inspirational literature. I never marketed except sharing it on my Facebook page.

I connected deeply with the meaning and purpose in my life. Even though my body needed so much rest and care while I was healing I still could impact lives for good." (Debbie Milam, author of Invasion of the Thought Gremlins)

Never underestimate the power of reading (or writing) a children's book!